Posted in Mental Health

Mental Health… Oxymoron AND Irony in Real Life

Posted on by teachinginpublicblog

I ended my last post with this very serious message:

“On another note, if YOU are struggling with mental illness of any kind, talk to your doctor. Everyone is different and handles things differently. I will always have anxiety but I don’t feel like I’m drowning anymore and it is 100% because I sought some much needed help. Asking for help is one of the MOST terrifying things I have done in my life but it was worth it!”

And I meant every word of it! My mental health is more important than my job, going the extra mile, someone else’s expectations, etc. I learned this the hard way – I am important.

I wasn’t aware of the concept, “mental health,” until college. Freshman year, I was diagnosed with Anxiety, something I had my entire life, unknowingly. And, yes, I DID capitalize Anxiety for impact. It is the name of a very real monster.

Back to the idea of mental health. Mental HEALTH… doesn’t it sound like an oxymoron? Something that is supposed to be about health and safe to talk about but makes us crazy (or sound crazy)!?

Not to mention ironic! The idea of mental health should be a positive. Trying to get help for a very real problem? But since it isn’t always as visible as a wheelchair or limp, it’s been stigmatized.

Anxiety? Can’t you just stop thinking about it? Don’t you know you’re being irrational? That’s dumb, not true, ridiculous! Can’t you just calm down? Chill out! Why are you so irritable? Why don’t you want to hang out?! You just need to get out more. (And my personal favorite) why don’t you want to talk about it?

It looks different for each person but, “a rose by any other name would smell as sweet,” right? It doesn’t matter if it looks like panic attacks, blank stares, spacing out, feeling irritable, forgetfulness, acting out, avoiding activities including being social, being quiet, and so. Much. More. It’s REAL! It can’t be fixed by kind words, irrational statements, or pointing out we’re “wrong” when we think irrational things!

It was really bad my sophomore year. I had a full on panic attack in psychology class because the professor DESCRIBED A PANIC ATTACK! Literally, the only reason. It then got worse when I, irrationally, thought the professor would call on me to describe the feeling, which I couldn’t because it was taking incredible concentration to hyperventilate without being noticed. 15 minutes later, I felt it was safe to retreat to the bathroom without looking suspicious.

Fast forward to junior/senior year, more changes came my way: marriage, teaching at private school with a full college load, negative teaching placements, and more. So, in short, I felt like a flippin’ roller coaster.

Fast forward AGAIN, to teaching at charter school as a licensed teacher, anxiety begins to impact my work and relationships. I wish I was the kind of person that was like, “oh no! My stress levels are higher and difficult to deal with… I should see my doctor.” But I’m not. I waited until all of that happened plus a major health decline – sick more often, difficulty taking deep breaths, falling asleep, psoriasis flaring, and heart palpitations. Death warmed over… a fire pit.

At this point, I found just enough courage to speak to my doctor. Which is SO hard! … because I had MORE anxiety about the appointment! Maybe there’s nothing actually wrong with me. Maybe the doctor will think I’m over exaggerating. Maybe I made it all up. Seriously, my anxiety takes all forms. Obviously untrue thoughts are one of those forms.

The doctor sees fit to put me on anti-anxiety medicine. Literally, it gave me anxiety thinking about picking up my prescription, taking it, getting “found out” that I needed medical help… etc.

All the while, I’m almost homeless, in a soul-sucking job, and at my wits end. Oh, and not to mention that I was told NOT to mention this to my admin at the time as it could be seen as a weakness. (Hi! Please add ten more pounds of pressure to the emotionally damaged sinking girl!!! Thanks!)

The doctor also suggested I see a therapist. I won’t begin to tell you the thoughts and anxiety that idea caused me!

The medicine helped mellow me out enough to deal with some of my issues like making it through the rest of the school year (already knowing that my contract isn’t being renewed) without a major mental break down. I continue through the summer where I have four interviews, all very far apart, and continue going to soul-sucking summer school. I finally get hired in LATE August at my dream school and decide… its time.

It was time I faced my fears and talked to a therapist. This was several months after I started the medicine and a month after starting my dream job. I went twice a week and cried on the couch (yes, a literal couch which I found iconic and ironic) no less than twice a week. I was unnerved and unready when she asked me a two months later to move down to once a week because of my improvement.

I find it ironic that my therapist telling me how much I’d improved gave me anxiety. We moved down to once a week and started talking about getting off my medicine.

I told her, “I don’t feel like I have to have it to be productive. Of course, it would help! But I don’t feel like it’s necessary anymore.” This was a HUGE step for me to openly say.

Although, I almost wish I hadn’t. Almost. She had me speak with my doctor about getting off and we came up with a plan that I later found didn’t work. But we did it anyway.

I was to reduce my HABIT FORMING medicine (something I must have tuned out when I started) by taking it every other day, then once I felt comfortable, every three days and once I got to four days to just stop.

Well……………….. the medicine I was taking was time released so it made everything AMPLIFIED by a gazillion when”weaning” off. At my night job (to make ends meet between therapy and medicine), I literally lost my ever lovin’ mind. My manager, thankfully a friend, would see my “crazy eyes” and make me take a break. Somehow she figured out that my big eyes were a precursor to a full melt down. Every. Single. Time.

Eventually, it all subsided and my next attack had nothing to do with medicine. My therapist wanted me to move to every other week. I broke down and told her I wasn’t ready. And she… LISTENED to me! It was almost a new concept! To get what I asked for when it was in my best interest?! BREAKTHROUGH!

I eventually stopped seeing her, on a positive and mutual break-up. I was fully off medicine and down from multiple weekly attacks to maybe a few a month that lasted minutes, not thirty or more.

Even with all the growth, I still have to mentally occupy myself or excuse myself during PD when we talk about what anxiety looks like or why students may be experiencing trauma and how they express it in the classroom. If I don’t, I have a full panic attack.

I wouldn’t be working in the school I am, with my amazing team, in the wonderful land of pre-teens if I had never gone on medicine or seen a therapist.

Long story short, ask for help when you need it. When you’re ready to ask, you’re halfway there. (Literally, I had to take medicine until my brain could chill out enough to accept the help of a therapist).

Anxiously yours,

Teaching In Public

Posted in Education

Unicorns, Puppies, and Rainbows… AKA the 6th grade team

Posted on by teachinginpublicblog

HAPPY! That’s what I think of when people say unicorns, puppies, and rainbows. That’s what people in my school nicknamed the 6th grade teams. There are two teams but collectively, that’s our nickname. In reality, we call ourselves Team A and Team B.

We earned that nickname (before I was employed there) because everyone in our hall gets along. No one is out to get you. No one belittles you. We all work together for the best interest of our students.

Now, a year before (while still in charter school… h-e-double hockey sticks) I had spoken with my doctor about my increasing anxiety. It was getting severe. I was having panic attacks multiple times a week, at least once a week during school hours and sometimes in front of students. I was dreading the drive to work and useless when I got home too. I was falling behind on school work and housework. My relationships were being impacted. The closest thing I can compare the experience to is a really bad storm that doesn’t seem to go away. You don’t know when it will get worse, better, or what it will damage. My doctor thought it best to put me on anti-anxiety medication. She also recommended I start to see a therapist. In all honesty, it gave me MORE anxiety to think about talking about my anxiety. So, I took the medicine and that was it for a while.

Fast forward to the day I met my new team. I had met them all before. My classroom neighbor was in my interview and all the others were teachers when I was student teaching (some even taught there when I was a student before they rebuilt). They each shared a little about themselves and how closely we were going to work together.

I took a HUGE leap (or at least for me I did) and shared that I had anxiety issues that were still severe but improving. I also shared that I had been on medication for almost a year but wanted to get off it and start seeing a therapist. I did this so they would know but also so they had some idea of how to support me if needed. Literally, I thought this would go two ways: they would think I was crazy or they would understand. The latter happened with an unexpected twist. They ALL gave me a giant group hug. I cried. Like ugly cried. I was a mix of embarrassed and elated.

More about the rest of this journey later!

On another note, if YOU are struggling with mental illness of any kind, talk to your doctor. Everyone is different and handles things differently. I will always have anxiety but I don’t feel like I’m drowning anymore and it is 100% because I sought some much needed help. Asking for help is one of the MOST terrifying things I have done in my life but it was worth it!

Happily yours,

Teaching In Public

Posted in Education

Emotional Roller Coaster… AKA Underappreciated Teaching

Posted on by teachinginpublicblog

If you’ve hung in long enough to see this post, 1. you’re a trooper! 2. Follow me here and on instagram (teachinginpublic). and 3. this post has a happy ending!

To recap –

-taught at a private school which became a soul-sucking and bank-draining misadventure

-student taught and had a super awesome experience

-began teaching at a charter school and quickly had more misadventures riddled with… anxiety

-earned an ineffective improvement plan (ineffective because I was the only party who followed it! Effective because I went above and beyond to make it work on my own.)

That brings me to the end of my first full year at the charter school. At the end of every year (this was the last year they did this), they held exit interviews for EVERY staff member. They asked simple questions: how was you year? what can you or we do to improve next year? do you plan on returning?

To those questions I responded:

  1. My year was a roller coaster ride. I was given an improvement plan which worked because I made it work.
  2. To improve, you can make sure that the next improvement plan implemented for a staff member is ACTUALLY followed by both staff members. Next year, I would like more classroom management support earlier in the school year to prevent the stress that happened this year for my students and I.
  3. I’m not sure. I feel like I was not treated like a professional this year and am not sure I received the support I needed to be my best. (what I didn’t tell you in the last post is my admins came into my room at lunch one day demanding to know why my RTI data was late (by two days) and when I told them I was going to be homeless the next week and spent every. waking. hour. looking for housing, they responded, “that’s not a good enough reason.” and then expected me to keep working the rest of the day.)
  4. Questions? “Just one, are we finished or do you have any more questions for me?”

There were 3 people in this interview besides myself – the principal, curriculum coordinator, and head of human resources. Once I answered their final question, the HR person said, “You are a (insert school name here) through and through. You represent everything we say in our school motto/vision. I would really like you to give us another chance. WE. NEED. YOU.” Yes, I am gullible. Yes, it pulled on my heartstrings. Yes, I gave them another chance. No, I shouldn’t have.

The following year, I changed rooms, grades, and subject matter. I shouldn’t have done this either. I wanted so desperately to get out of second grade land. I thought my issue was the kids are too young, too needy (in a bathroom, can’t blow their nose, etc kind of way), and they don’t get my jokes. Maybe if I had older students, I would be a better teacher. While this IS true for me, it was not true that year.

I had some of my students from my first time in second grade again, now in fourth grade. There were some new students as well. My year was… not as bad as the year before. However, I had students with needs I had NEVER been trained to deal with and AGAIN did not receive support to help those students. So again, I was told I had classroom management issues. Again, it wasn’t resolved except by my own work.

In the midst of this, I had issues with TWO belittling colleagues. One made meetings extremely awkward and talked down to me. When I confronted her about it (in a VERY nice manner) she overcompensated and STILL made it awkward. The other belittled my students IN FRONT OF ME! “I’ll fix you next year.” “You won’t act like that in my class.” So, on. So much so, I had parent complaints. Oh, and the parents! Remember in my second post, I mentioned a set of parents who unreasonably disliked me? They upped their game. They no longer disliked me. They HATED ME!

During conferences, I asked our disciplinarian to sit in on theirs. Here’s the short (and NOT sweet) version of that meeting –

-student shares grades, goals, and work examples

-parents demand to know why I refused to let their child do (insert item here)

-I recited SCHOOL-WIDE rule

-they don’t care and “if it ever happens again, I’m going to take care of you.”

-(insert heightened eyebrows here from me) disciplinarian takes LONG pause and then says, “you can’t say that”

-dad adds, “What! If my wife won’t, then I will! And after we take care of you we’ll make sure you don’t have a job too.”

-disciplinarian SAYS LITERALLY NOTHING.

-“Well, I’m sorry you feel that way. If you dislike the school-rule, I suggest you speak with the principal. Until I hear otherwise, I will continue to hold your child to the same standards as every other student.”

-(as if it couldn’t get worse) parents begin to degrade me (IN FRONT OF THEIR CHILD) over the observation they DEMANDED to have. The dad observed me AND RECORDED ME IN MY CLASSROOM (obviously, without my knowledge or permission).

-the disciplinarian speaks up (yay! Right? wrong.) “I appreciate your concern but (insert my name) is one of the hardest working teachers I know. (PLEASE. STOP. HERE!!! Nope) She is aware of her classroom management issues and has asked for help since day one.” WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAT.

-At this point, I am almost in tears and I just will. not. allow. these parents to see me like that. So, I say, “This meeting is over. When you are ready to speak about your child’s success in my class and how we can work as a team to achieve that, let me know. Until then, goodbye.”

-I walk into an empty classroom nearby and have my (not first) panic attack in a dark classroom at this school. The principal finds me mid-panic attack and is so confused as to what to do. He asks if I’m okay (NO!) and should he get the nurse (NO.). I somehow manage the ability to tell him I will be fine in a few minutes and to see if any parents are waiting on me. I tell him if it’s the above parents, they must go and any others should be told there is a small delay. If he does this or not, I still don’t know.

After this, I scheduled a meeting with my admin team and explained what happened. I was adamant that our disciplinarian needed to be taught that what he did was NOT okay in front of parents AND that the student’s parents were NEVER allowed in my presence without admin present. Should I see them in the building without admin (and yes, I said this out loud) then I would call the police for fear of my life. Although, they SAID they would take care of it, I saw these parents without admin at least three more times that year. My mistake? I chickened out and didn’t call the police. I always walked away or found another place to be when they were there.

Which brings me to March or April (I can’t remember which). They held exit interviews… but this year it was only a few teachers. I found out why when I had mine. In my interview, they said, “Unfortunately, you are continuing to have classroom management issues so we are choosing to not renew your contract next year. While, you were selected to teach summer school, we understand and have arrangements if you decide not to.” Holding back tears of so many emotions, I mustered to say, “No, I agreed to teach summer school and so I will.” They asked if I had any questions, “No, have a nice day,” I said through tight teeth and walked out.

Now, it was bad enough this happened over a month before the end of the school year but it was also RIGHT before I had to pick up my students from lunch. I sobbed in a dark classroom and called my husband. I picked up my students with sunglasses on. They knew something was up. I didn’t tell them anything. I didn’t share that I was upset or that I would or wouldn’t be returning when I inevitably got the, “can I visit you next year,” “can I volunteer in your room next year,” etc.

I showed up to work the following Monday and there was a substitute in my room. THEY THOUGHT I WASN’T COMING BACK TO WORK. While I was PISSED, I understood because apparently the other person they “didn’t renew” never came back to work that day. I finished out my year as positively as possible. I returned for summer school. I also, with my tail between my legs and tight teeth, had to ask my principal for a recommendation letter.

Someone asked me a few weeks later, “why didn’t you just quit and why aren’t you badmouthing anyone?” I certainly had ample reason to do both. “I signed a contract in August. That contract is up in June. I plan to fulfill my obligation.” I continued with that attitude and apparently shocked everyone since I was the first “non-renewed” employee to act this way. I also told a trusted colleague who asked the same question, “I’m teaching summer school because of two reasons, I need the money and it makes them look ridiculous… not renew someone’s contract but you’ll let them teach summer school? Looks like egg on their face, not mine.”

This SUPER long post brings me to this, if I had never been fired, I probably wouldn’t have gotten the courage to leave. If I hadn’t left, I never would have gotten the job of my dreams. I worked ALL SUMMER teaching summer school (much to their surprise) and applying to jobs. I had four interviews. Two offered me a position. The last one to offer me a spot didn’t do so until mid-August. I was panicking that I wouldn’t find anything and I am so glad I was wrong. The school I student taught at snagged me up to teach 6th grade English. THIS year is my second year there and I LOVE IT! But more about that later.

For now, please know that not all private or charter schools are like these two. However, given the choice and based on my experience, I am staying in public school land as long as I can.


Respectfully yours,

Teaching In Public

Posted in Education

Ignorant to Improvement… (The misadventures of an Improvement Plan)

Posted on by teachinginpublicblog

The unhappiness continues…

To recap my earlier post:

-taught at a private school which became a soul-sucking and bank-draining misadventure

-student taught and had a super awesome experience

-began teaching at a charter school and quickly had more misadventures riddled with… anxiety

As I began my second year, it was clear that I was ill-equipped to handle my students. I asked for help (I thought this was the right thing to do…) and received NOTHING. About half-way through the year I had an observation. At my post conference, I was told I was having classroom management issues (DUH!) and was past the point of simple help. Instead, my principal decided to place me on an improvement plan.

This was a first for me. I hadn’t even heard of this during college so I was blindsided. The principal created the plan and asked me to approve it. It seemed reasonable on paper so I approved it with high hopes…

The plan outlined that the principal would come into my class a minimum of once a week to get base data and continue to collect data to monitor improvement. During this time, I was to read specified chapters from “The First Six-Weeks of School,” by Harry Wong (a book I read in college) and/or “The Classroom Management Book,” by Rosemary and Harry Wong and then complete a reflection essay due at the end of each week. The essay was to outline my thoughts of the chapter and how I planned or already implemented that idea in my classroom. He gave me four major goals to focus on with my students: remain seated during instruction, stay in seats unless given permission, transition silently or as directed, and communicate positively.

On the surface, all of these seems rather reasonable. However, the principal did not help me get started in how to address the four major goals. What was worse, was he came in to get data on week 1 and then NEVER came back to my classroom until right before spring break (that’s almost 5 months…).

Since it was clear my principal wasn’t going to actually follow the plan, I decided to take matters more into my own hands.

  1. I created weekly charts. Each chart focused on one of the major goals. I wrote their name and the numbers 1-3. Each number was then covered with a small sticky note (each number was a different color). I also included examples of following the goal or pictures to help them. For example, for the goal of staying in their seats, I taught them hand signals to get my attention. The idea was that each time a student didn’t meet the goal, they lost a sticky note. These were replaced each day. This was a very visual way to keep them motivated and aware of their behavior. None of my students took this personally. Should you borrow this idea, make sure it is appropriate for your students. A student I had a year later would have had a meltdown if I did this with his class.
  2. I added each goal to sentence strips on a bulletin board. The heading said, “Who can…” followed by the goal. At the bottom, it said, “I can!”
  3. I went out of my way to find Professional Development opportunities. One was about classroom management and the other was about Kinesthetic learning. Both were valuable and gave me strategies I still use.
  4. I researched, a lot. One of my favorite blogs was (and is) https://www.smartclassroommanagement.com/ I also read from, “The Cornerstone: Classroom Management That Makes Teaching More Effective, Efficient, and Enjoyable” by Angela Powell. The latter was a gift from one of my favorite professors.
  5. I watched a lot of videos of teachers implementing each of my goals.
  6. Drank a lot of wine. (Only at night and at home, of course!)

The plan was supposed to span a few months and then have a review meeting. The meeting didn’t happen until almost THE END OF THE YEAR.

My class DID improve but I felt it was ENTIRELY because of my dedication and not my admin. When we did meet, his first question was, “how do you think it went?” Well, before I tell you what I said, you should know that I spent a LOOOOONG time thinking through my response. What should I say? What SHOULDN’T I say? What do I really need to say versus what isn’t that important?

Eventually, I mustered up the courage to say, “Well, to be honest, I think I DID improve and because of that my plan should say, ‘effective.’ However, I feel that I improved COMPLETELY on my own. I did everything I was asked to do and more. I went out of my way to (trainings, read, research, etc). You came in my room twice almost 5 months apart and did not hold up your end of the deal. So, either my plan was ‘effective’ or you take it off any record I have as if it never existed.” Shocked. That was what I felt for getting through it without crying. Shocked. That was the face staring back at me. He, of course, said it was effective but NEVER ONCE made any attempt to apologize for his lack of effort during this meeting, before, or after.

AND IT GETS WORSE! Stay tuned for how I was begged to stay, fired, then asked to stay…

And NO, this is NOT an April Fool’s joke. This was my life as a second grade teacher.

Sincerely,

Teaching In Public

Posted in Education

When Teaching Goes Wrong… (sounds like a Lemony Snicket story…)

Posted on by teachinginpublicblog

Here’s the happy part…

In first grade, I realized my dream job was to become a teacher. In college, I had some awesome professors (and some not so awesome) and (for the most part) great observation experiences.

That’s where the “happy” ends for a bit…

My best friend and I stumbled upon a teaching position for a new 1st-12th grade private school. We both applied, interviewed together, and scored a position to begin in December. We were taking over for an ineffective staff member. Sounds happy right? We thought so too.

At this particular school we were those most highly qualified teachers, at least in terms of the education field, and we were still in COLLEGE!!! At least two different staff members, the principal and a high school teacher, ridiculed us and called us “cute” for wanting standards-based instruction, student conferences, holding students to a higher standard, educating the whole child, and implementing interactive projects and school-wide field trips.

If that wasn’t difficult enough. We were questioned by a board member as to why we got paid the same as every other staff member but left for an hour twice a week for college classes. This is a situation we cleared during our interviews and elected to have two hours of study hall a week for our classes. On the surface this last comment doesn’t sound so bad EXCEPT we made $800 a month BEFORE TAXES!

Unfortunately, I finished out a year and a half before I had to leave in order to student teach. My best friend was stronger than I was and left sooner in the year to pursue her career in another state.

Another happy part (I promise!)…

Student teaching was a blast! I was able to work with one of my old middle school teachers.

Then, it was time to teach, again (not so happy)…

A charter school tried to get me to leave student teaching due to an emergency opening but my university wouldn’t allow it. Surprisingly, they still held my position and I began in December, right before I walked for graduation. On the surface, this was my ideal school – teachers of all experience levels, collaborative PLC groups, multiple professional development opportunities, whole child learning, school-wide book groups, mandatory community service for older students, mandatory parental involvement at least once a year, student-led conferences, and more. The pay was even what I wanted: base pay for a qualified teacher in my state. They hired me as a long-term substitute until my certifications came through and then changed my pay for the rest of the year.

Sounds ideal right? I thought so too! My first half a year didn’t go too badly. It was a learning curve but I got complimented by parents and staff. Honestly, to this day I think my students behaved relatively well because of their teacher that was forced to leave. No structure, changing rules, disrespectful, unprofessional, and so on. She was teaching SECOND GRADERS! They aren’t old enough to know better when they have a bad teacher. (oh, and she wasn’t a “new” teacher) I think my students were happy to have someone there who cared about them and tried their best to be engaging and consistent. The only major bump in the road at this point was a set of parents who had decided to hate me unreasonably.

The next year, same school, I changed classrooms but not grades. This was the TOUGHEST group of students I had EVER experienced (even to this day). They normally spread them out more but since my partner the previous year left, they gave them to me because they didn’t know who would fill the other position… A quarter way through the year (or earlier), I knew I was struggling. I asked my administration for help. They said sure! AND THEN DIDN’T DO ANYTHING! Even after reminders, they didn’t come back until wintertime… then they told ME that I had classroom management issues!!!!!!!!!!!! I told them (even as shy as I was at this point) that I had asked for help and none was given. “Well, at this point we need to put you on an improvement plan.”

And with that, respected peers, I will leave you until next time. Even writing this got my heart rate going. Need some closure on what happened? I will tell you the full story in the next post but essentially it was bittersweet. It didn’t end well but I learned a lot about myself.

Anxiously yours,

Teaching In Public


Posted in Uncategorized

The Journey Starts… with an empty bank account and anxiety?

Posted on by teachinginpublicblog

Wow! It’s here! My first post… nerve racking AND exciting! Gee.. sounds like the same emotions I have on the first day of School! Except… I’m the teacher.

“Teaching In Public” is a dream of mine. This blog will bring resources, strategies, and a sense of normalcy towards your classroom (and with any luck, your health too).

I have taught in a private school, charter school, and public school. Based on my experiences, I will stay in public school land until I retire. Private school ruined my bank account. Charter school ruined my mental health. But public school seems to have restored both (mostly).

Now, don’t get your panties in a bunch! Not all schools are the same! By no means, am I condemning all private or charter schools! However, the two I worked at nearly destroyed me.

For now, let me leave you with these ideas I hold near and dear to my heart:

  • People WANT to do the right thing.
  • Teaching IS my dream career (since 1st grade. Yes, for real).
  • Destroying your mental health for money, people, or (insert your motivator here) should NEVER be an option.
  • EVERY child can learn (just not in the same way or on the same day).
  • YOU are enough. I am enough. Together, we are MORE than enough!

I’ll see you tomorrow for more tidbits about me and the crazy journey that led to THIS blog. In the meantime, go to sleep, take a bath, have a glass of wine, or do whatever helps you refuel before school tomorrow.

You alone are enough. You have nothing to prove to anyone. – Maya Angelou

post

Sleepily yours,

Teaching In Public